To much, to fast

In life we have a few very basic things that we worry about. Food, shelter, money. These things come almost structured in our DNA to be worried about. But as I've gotten older, I've learned that there are many other things that we are now forced to pay attention to. 200 years ago no one asked the question, 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' Most people just did what their family did. Farmers, merchants, bankers, ect . . . While I admit that doesn't sound like the greatest of lives, it was simple. People didn't have the time or energy to worry like we do now. They went about their days focused on survival.

But NOW?

Now we worry about so many things, it ridiculous. The freedom of choice and the brilliance of technology have changed the way we live, and in so doing created . . . complications. Now when I wake up in the morning I have a hundred choices to make before breakfast. Do I feed the baby first thing, or should I wait until he gets fussy? Do I work out now or later? Should I check my facebook page now? Do I post something on blogger now? Should I look at my favorite news website first thing or in the afternoon? Should I watch a show while I eat breakfast, or read a book? These questions did exist a few centuries ago. But here they are, staring us in the face, forcing us to answer them.

For me, the questions that plague me are ones that are constant. What should I do with my life? Where do I go? Should I write today or practice music? Should I work-out? Should I go work for my father today or wait until tomorrow? There are so many things that are on my mind at the same time, it's a wonder I get anything done! Because with so many things that I am interested in and enjoy, I feel like I can only worry about one at a time. Example, right now I am focused on getting back into shape and working out. Because of this, it is hard for me to focus on anything else. So much of my brain is devoted to that one task, that I find it hard to focus long enough to write for NaNoWriMo, or to practice my music pieces. But the reverse it true as well. If I am focused on practicing music, there is little else that I find myself doing.

So this is my conclusion. We need to go back to a time when life was much more simple. At least, it would be nice to not have to worry about so much every day.

Don't you think?

Life Has Changed

              My life changed in the blink of an eye on August 17th of this year. Everything that I thought I wanted, everything that I expected that I wanted changed at 7:21 am. I didn't realize it at first. It was a gradual change, one that snuck up on me with little to no warning. One day I just realized that the things I had wanted before in my life were now changed. And I have struggled with this changed like no change in my life. Suddenly things that were VERY important to me changed. I am now questioning many things in my life that had always been a constant, like singing. All my life I have wanted to sing. But it stuck me a few nights ago that even from the age of 6 years old, I have wanted to sing for fame and glory. I have wanted thousands of people to stand in a concert hall and yell my name as music blasts over the PA. I have wanted to make the rounds on talk shows, to be the center of attention. At the heart of my desire to sing hasn't been because I love to sing (which I do), but because I wanted worldly fame and fortune. There have been other reasons as well. Living this life for other people. One instance is a distinct 'in your face' that I CAN be successful and talented even if you didn't want me.
               In Elder Eyring's talk today in General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, he spoke about doing the Lords work and pushing aside your own worldly ambitions. Asking Father in Heaven 'what would you have me do' without interfering with the answer because of what we want. This was the talk that I have been waiting for through all of conference. I needed help because I was struggling deeply with my conviction to go back to school in January. Since Michael was born, I have felt a deep anxiety, fear and stress over going back to school. The many things that should have been exciting to me, have seemed only fill me with fear. And I have struggled with this sudden change in my feelings. My whole life has been centered around one idea, singing. What am I if I don't want to do it anymore? Or if I don't feel like I want a career in music? What if I don't want to be a professional singer? Can I break those social contracts that have been created my whole life, predicated on me being a singer? Putting on that idea, trying it on like a coat, has been one of the strangest feelings I have ever had. The idea that I don't pursue music professionally feels totally foreign to me.

So what do I do? That question has plagued me now for weeks. What do I do?