The Evils of Possibility

There is a part of me that really doesn't like the possibilities of time. With unlimited time, with the possibility of anything, comes a huge responsibility. What do you do with that time? How much do you want to do? Why is it so wrong to do nothing? But what if you try to do something, and nothing comes of it? You see what I mean. The 'gift' of time isn't something that I particularly like. I kind of like it when I am told what to do by others, so I don't have to have the responsibility of failure if it doesn't work out.

So I guess at the end of the day, what I really don't like is failure. All the little slogans in the world aren't going to change that. And trust me, I've seen/heard all of them (at least it feels like it). Nothing has made me feel better about failure. Failure sucks. Especially if it's in something that you care a lot about.

The summer is coming, which is what brought this on. And after the summer, my first semester for the school of music at University of Utah. I can't tell you how much that freaks me out. Starting a new school, having a new baby, moving 'back' to a new city. It's all a little overwhelming.

However, I am going to set goals so the summer of possibilities doesn't drown me with it's enthusiasm.

1. Start and Finish my novel Taint

2. Work on 3 major Grand Opera aria's (still need to chose those three)

3. Read all the books on my YA lit list

4. Read at least one religious book per month (for those that need help, that's 4 books)

5. Start looking for crib, basenet, car-seat

6. Choose decorations for the nursery

7. Find apartment

Doing the Budget

There are few times in my life where a shot of vodka, a glass of JD or a bottle of wine seem like the only solutions to a problem. But once a month, I find that I desire to get totally wasted in the middle of the afternoon. That's the dreaded day BUDGET DAY!

Weston and I didn't use to do a budget, but after a few problems with our bank accounts, we decided a budget might be a good idea. So, I got everything together, our bills, the budget sheet, receipts, a note book and a calculator. Sitting down with Weston to do the budget took a few days of 'oh, we should do the budget today' before it finally happened.

But my good heavens, are you kidding me? I hate doing the budget. All it does is show you that you really have no money after paying the bills. A total reality check of lack to money. AHH! I think about the people I know that are starting out and have really great jobs and make more then enough for the two of them. How do they do it? It would be nice to not have to worry constantly about money, but that's the way of life, isn't it?

A baby, a baby, we're going to have a baby!!

I'm going to cut to the good parts, the parts that people actually want to hear. Not the months of morning sickness and not being able to move. The fun bits, like when I first felt the baby move and when we found out the sex. Those are the fun bits!!

I decided early on in my pregnancy that I wanted to try and do yoga to help loosen things up. So, after saying I would do it for almost three months, I finally did it at 17 weeks. The yoga video was horrible, jumping positions, not enough time between, frustrating music and explanations, so needless to say I stopped doing it halfway through. I joined Weston in the computer room and sat for a little while when I felt something. It was the same something I had felt during the yoga video. I had brushed off the feeling during yoga, but happening again, I couldn't. It was like a slight brush, slight pop inside my tummy. Weston was on the phone, and I motioned to him, "I think I just felt the baby!" He got this crazy excited look in his eyes and started to fumble with the phone. So cute!

After that first experience, I felt the little man move around more and more every day. Now it's a very common experience for me to feel his little pops and wiggles. Its such a reassuring feeling to know he's in there moving around.

Feeling my little boy, knowing he's in there, waiting to come out is crazy to me.