Sunday, October 7, 2012

Life Has Changed

              My life changed in the blink of an eye on August 17th of this year. Everything that I thought I wanted, everything that I expected that I wanted changed at 7:21 am. I didn't realize it at first. It was a gradual change, one that snuck up on me with little to no warning. One day I just realized that the things I had wanted before in my life were now changed. And I have struggled with this changed like no change in my life. Suddenly things that were VERY important to me changed. I am now questioning many things in my life that had always been a constant, like singing. All my life I have wanted to sing. But it stuck me a few nights ago that even from the age of 6 years old, I have wanted to sing for fame and glory. I have wanted thousands of people to stand in a concert hall and yell my name as music blasts over the PA. I have wanted to make the rounds on talk shows, to be the center of attention. At the heart of my desire to sing hasn't been because I love to sing (which I do), but because I wanted worldly fame and fortune. There have been other reasons as well. Living this life for other people. One instance is a distinct 'in your face' that I CAN be successful and talented even if you didn't want me.
               In Elder Eyring's talk today in General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, he spoke about doing the Lords work and pushing aside your own worldly ambitions. Asking Father in Heaven 'what would you have me do' without interfering with the answer because of what we want. This was the talk that I have been waiting for through all of conference. I needed help because I was struggling deeply with my conviction to go back to school in January. Since Michael was born, I have felt a deep anxiety, fear and stress over going back to school. The many things that should have been exciting to me, have seemed only fill me with fear. And I have struggled with this sudden change in my feelings. My whole life has been centered around one idea, singing. What am I if I don't want to do it anymore? Or if I don't feel like I want a career in music? What if I don't want to be a professional singer? Can I break those social contracts that have been created my whole life, predicated on me being a singer? Putting on that idea, trying it on like a coat, has been one of the strangest feelings I have ever had. The idea that I don't pursue music professionally feels totally foreign to me.

So what do I do? That question has plagued me now for weeks. What do I do?

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Easy and Hard

Being a new mom is both easy and hard. I never would have thought that it would come so naturally. Michael is also a really calm baby which is nice. In a full day total he may cry a half hour to an hour. It's wonderful! But there is this niggle in the back of my head telling me that this may only be a temporary situation. But for now, Michael is an angel and I love it.

This first six weeks has been an adjustment to say the least. Waking up every couple of hours is hard, but he is finally starting to sleep for longer periods through the night. A five hour stretch, nurse, then another three hours. The first five hour stretch is VERY nice! The other biggest adjustment for me is not being able to leave  the house on the fly. It takes twice as long to get into the car, and then dealing with the crying when he's upset in the car is also frustrating. But in those moments, when he is sitting quietly, looking around, I am filled with a sense of joy and peace. I'm so happy to be a mother. It really has made me feel totally whole!