Life Has Changed

              My life changed in the blink of an eye on August 17th of this year. Everything that I thought I wanted, everything that I expected that I wanted changed at 7:21 am. I didn't realize it at first. It was a gradual change, one that snuck up on me with little to no warning. One day I just realized that the things I had wanted before in my life were now changed. And I have struggled with this changed like no change in my life. Suddenly things that were VERY important to me changed. I am now questioning many things in my life that had always been a constant, like singing. All my life I have wanted to sing. But it stuck me a few nights ago that even from the age of 6 years old, I have wanted to sing for fame and glory. I have wanted thousands of people to stand in a concert hall and yell my name as music blasts over the PA. I have wanted to make the rounds on talk shows, to be the center of attention. At the heart of my desire to sing hasn't been because I love to sing (which I do), but because I wanted worldly fame and fortune. There have been other reasons as well. Living this life for other people. One instance is a distinct 'in your face' that I CAN be successful and talented even if you didn't want me.
               In Elder Eyring's talk today in General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, he spoke about doing the Lords work and pushing aside your own worldly ambitions. Asking Father in Heaven 'what would you have me do' without interfering with the answer because of what we want. This was the talk that I have been waiting for through all of conference. I needed help because I was struggling deeply with my conviction to go back to school in January. Since Michael was born, I have felt a deep anxiety, fear and stress over going back to school. The many things that should have been exciting to me, have seemed only fill me with fear. And I have struggled with this sudden change in my feelings. My whole life has been centered around one idea, singing. What am I if I don't want to do it anymore? Or if I don't feel like I want a career in music? What if I don't want to be a professional singer? Can I break those social contracts that have been created my whole life, predicated on me being a singer? Putting on that idea, trying it on like a coat, has been one of the strangest feelings I have ever had. The idea that I don't pursue music professionally feels totally foreign to me.

So what do I do? That question has plagued me now for weeks. What do I do?

Steal Me . . . but don't take me to far!

My voice teacher assigned a new song for me from an opera called 'The Old Maid and the Thief'. Its about a transient man who is looking for food and money. And he is HOT! So the maid and the mistress decided to take him in and help him out. The mistress begins to steal money to help him, from the church and from friends, to entice him to stay. He does, but the maid is very jealous and tells him that people are beginning to suspect him of being the thief. The end of the opera ends with the man leaving with the maid, leaving the mistress alone.

At first I wasn't sure I would like the song. My voice teacher, Barry Bounouse, played it for me in our lesson and I was kind of hesitant to it. But I've been working on it and fallen completely in love. The music is very contemporary, so there are a lot of dissonant cords and strange resolutions. The video below is a pretty good redition of the piece.

The song is from the maid's view and she's singing about how the man won't make any moves to her. She goes through what the mistress has been doing to keep him there and he still makes no advances. It continues with her wishing he would steal her heart, her lips, her life and take it before death steals her life. Very nice.

Voice Lessons!!!

La La La La!!!

All they want is the dancing! I hope'a his is as excited by dancing girls as your new managers, because I will not be SINGING!
- Carlotta Phantom of the Opera


I had my first voice lesson yesterday since I took my break in November. The break was involuntary because Weston lost his job and we couldn't afford it. So I went to see Phantom of the Opera being done by a high school in our area and was totally blown away by the girl that played Carlotta. Seriously, I have never heard that type of technique coming from a high schooler before. After the performance, I asked her who her coach was and got in contact with Barry Bounous (pronounced Ba-noose).

Funny enough, I found out last Sunday that my brother had also taken from him a while back. Small world! Anyway, I get to the Richards Building on BYU campus and I was really confused because the sign says its the physical education building. How am I going to take lessons in a gym, does that make any sense to anyone else? Hot sweaty bodies, huffing an puffing while I'm trying to sing and aria doesn't really appeal to me. Well, it turns out the east side is dedicated to the music and performance departments. So there are practice rooms and studios all over the place. It is actually very nice. I got there early and had to sit in the lobby for a while. Now understand, I hate sitting in the lobby. I hate being there with other people, we are all waiting and staring at each other. AWKWARD!

6:15 came and went and I still wasn't in my lesson. I knocked on the door once to let him know I was there, but it was still about five minutes before I finally got in. But it was worth the wait. He is a great teacher and I'm so excited to be taking from him. The first lesson is always about getting to know each other and getting to know my voice. The first thing he said was 'Yep, you are built for opera.' When I asked about that later he said that larger, taller people have a decidedly larger advange then short, thin people. For once my height will help!

He gave me two songs to work on and they are bellow. Tell me what you think!

HUGS!

Hayley