My life changed in the blink of an eye on August 17th of this year. Everything that I thought I wanted, everything that I expected that I wanted changed at 7:21 am. I didn't realize it at first. It was a gradual change, one that snuck up on me with little to no warning. One day I just realized that the things I had wanted before in my life were now changed. And I have struggled with this changed like no change in my life. Suddenly things that were VERY important to me changed. I am now questioning many things in my life that had always been a constant, like singing. All my life I have wanted to sing. But it stuck me a few nights ago that even from the age of 6 years old, I have wanted to sing for fame and glory. I have wanted thousands of people to stand in a concert hall and yell my name as music blasts over the PA. I have wanted to make the rounds on talk shows, to be the center of attention. At the heart of my desire to sing hasn't been because I love to sing (which I do), but because I wanted worldly fame and fortune. There have been other reasons as well. Living this life for other people. One instance is a distinct 'in your face' that I CAN be successful and talented even if you didn't want me.
In Elder Eyring's talk today in General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, he spoke about doing the Lords work and pushing aside your own worldly ambitions. Asking Father in Heaven 'what would you have me do' without interfering with the answer because of what we want. This was the talk that I have been waiting for through all of conference. I needed help because I was struggling deeply with my conviction to go back to school in January. Since Michael was born, I have felt a deep anxiety, fear and stress over going back to school. The many things that should have been exciting to me, have seemed only fill me with fear. And I have struggled with this sudden change in my feelings. My whole life has been centered around one idea, singing. What am I if I don't want to do it anymore? Or if I don't feel like I want a career in music? What if I don't want to be a professional singer? Can I break those social contracts that have been created my whole life, predicated on me being a singer? Putting on that idea, trying it on like a coat, has been one of the strangest feelings I have ever had. The idea that I don't pursue music professionally feels totally foreign to me.
So what do I do? That question has plagued me now for weeks. What do I do?
whew Hayley, I can imagine how lost you must feel! that truly was a powerful talk. I love President Eyring. His messages have always resonated with me.
ReplyDeleteLet's get together soon. Like this week. You can come here, I can go to you. Whatever works better. I'll listen to you talk and talk so you can try and figure this out and gain the peace that you desire. It's definitely hard to let go of an idea or goal we've had for years. But I believe you can still use your talents to touch the people around you for good. Maybe not by becoming a recording artist, but by teaching and testifying through music. Music is a gift and a blessing and it can be a great avenue to bring others unto Christ.
Let's get together!!!
I completely went through the same thing with my desire to be a therapist. I wanted to be the "all knowing therapist" for so many years, but even though I did well in grad school, it just is not where I am supposed to be. This last year I have just been exploring and trying to figure out what I should do for a living, and it has been an important journey for me. Perhaps you will need to take some time to figure out where your next step.
ReplyDeleteAs for school, you will never regret getting a degree (and it doesn't matter what your degree is in). The brethren have made it clear that education is a priority for every woman, but the U isn't going anywhere if you need time to figure it out.
Good luck my friend! We will have to hash it all out together soon.
This is how I felt after Savannah was born. I wanted to be a career woman and family was just a side note. Something I would come home to and enjoy, but my career would be my life. After I had Savannah, I suddenly realized that I wanted to be what I had always thought would be the worst thing in the world- a stay at home mom. I will do everything I can to make that possible in my life, but I am still completing school because I know how important it is, and I have seen first hand how life can change in an instant. Both my parents owned their own business for 20 years and worked along side each other equally, until my dad had a stroke. Then suddenly, my Mom had to get a job and be the sole bread winner for our family. She got a very good job, but neither her, or my dad completed college. (my dad did eventually a few years ago.) It was tough, and I know it would have been easier if my Mom had had a degree going out into the workforce.
ReplyDeleteSo even though I had to make a big life-changing decision, I still believe that an education is so, so important. If I never get to do anything with my degree, at least my children will see that I stuck through it. Even when I was finishing up my degree with 2 littles running around. It's tough, but do-able. And so worth it!
Keep praying for guidance. The Lord may not tell you what you want to hear, but he will tell you exactly what you need.