Sleep? Oh, How I Have Missed You!!

I have decided that sleep becomes a secondary necessity once you become pregnant. And that secondary necessity stay's secondary once the baby comes as well. The last few nights I have not been able to sleep. I am beginning to learn to function under little to no sleep. The world is slightly dazed, and the edges begin to blur out every once in a while. Oh dear! 

Nightjohn

Pain
The language of men
Hate
The feeling of men
Lust
The sin of men

Freedom
The quest of men
Joy
The joining of men
Love
The purity of men

War
The solution of men
Whips
The extension of men
Chains
The oppression of men

Safety
The desire of men
Hope
The power of men
Family
The substance of men

WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH YOUR HUMAN SIDE?

Why Negative Birth Stories Are Not Helpful

The first time you see that white stick with two pink lines, or the word 'pregnant', the world stops. Any noise disappears, all thoughts stop as you look down on the indication that your life has changed forever. The next impulse is to share the news with everyone you know. When Weston and I found out, we called my parents and told them. His mother was in town and he called her to come over NOW! We were so excited that we didn't sleep much that night. There was nothing but excitement and joy in our house. We are having a baby!!!

But with the information that you're having a baby, comes the inevitable horror stories. Women who feel the need to share their horrific tale of giving birth. Our society has gotten very good at creating a social atmosphere of fear around something that is natural, beautiful and the closest to heaven we can be. Perfect strangers feel they can, and should, say whatever they want about your pregnancy/how to birth your child.

My first experience with this was at the Superbowl party that my sister was hosting. I was newly pregnant, only 3 months or so, and we had just started telling people outside of immediate family. A good friend of the family was also at the party, whom I really do love. We told her we were pregnant and she seemed excited, but immediately dove into her terrifying, horror film kind of story of giving birth. I sat there at the kitchen table astounded that instead of sharing in the joy and love both myself and my husband have for the little apple baby that was inside me, she told me a story that would make any woman want to get an abortion.

After that wonderful (eye roll) experience, I started to shy away from people that wanted to tell me their birthing experience. Being a big fan of the movie The Business of Being Born produced by Ricki Lake, I found a book called Pushed by Jennifer Block recommended by Ricki Lake. This book is a great informative book about the health industry and what they have done to the pregnant women over the years. While it was a good book, I found myself getting paranoid about what was happening to my baby and terrified I was getting of hospitals. I stopped reading it about half-way through the book because I was starting to obsess over what COULD go wrong.

Over the months I have created something of a bubble around myself and others that wish to share their birth experience unless I KNOW they are going to be positive and uplifting. Not that I want to ignore other people and their experience, I firmly believe in the idea that we create our existence through our thoughts and actions. The more a soon to be mommy hears that birthing is horrible, they will believe it is horrible. But if she is like me, determined to create a beautiful, peaceful, heavenly experience with my child's birth, we are reinforcing that belief through uplifting stories and joy and excitement.

So if we meet on the street, grocery store, or church, know that I love you; but I will stop you if you share a 'birthing horror story' with me. Help me create a beautiful birth of my little boy!

Baby crazy!!!!

In the past, when siblings or friends have gotten pregnant, I remember being so excited because they were the ONLY pregnant women I knew. However, I feel like everything has changed. Everyone, I mean EVERYONE is pregnant.

A short list;
1. Me
2. Sister-in-Law (due 6 weeks behind me)
3. Sister (due 6 months behind me)
4. JH (due a month ahead of me)
5. A (due a month ahead of me)
6,7,8,9 Friends I'm connected to on Facebook are also pregnant

Really?! I feel like it's baby season!

But one great thing about having so many friends and family that are pregnant because I have people to talk to about what's happening to my body. Going it alone would be very very hard! Because of baby season, it also seems like everywhere I go I see pregnant women. I went to Winco with Weston to pick up some things, and I saw about 5 pregnant women doing their shopping as well. Apparently back in November, we were all very bored, or very cold!!!! :)

The Evils of Possibility

There is a part of me that really doesn't like the possibilities of time. With unlimited time, with the possibility of anything, comes a huge responsibility. What do you do with that time? How much do you want to do? Why is it so wrong to do nothing? But what if you try to do something, and nothing comes of it? You see what I mean. The 'gift' of time isn't something that I particularly like. I kind of like it when I am told what to do by others, so I don't have to have the responsibility of failure if it doesn't work out.

So I guess at the end of the day, what I really don't like is failure. All the little slogans in the world aren't going to change that. And trust me, I've seen/heard all of them (at least it feels like it). Nothing has made me feel better about failure. Failure sucks. Especially if it's in something that you care a lot about.

The summer is coming, which is what brought this on. And after the summer, my first semester for the school of music at University of Utah. I can't tell you how much that freaks me out. Starting a new school, having a new baby, moving 'back' to a new city. It's all a little overwhelming.

However, I am going to set goals so the summer of possibilities doesn't drown me with it's enthusiasm.

1. Start and Finish my novel Taint

2. Work on 3 major Grand Opera aria's (still need to chose those three)

3. Read all the books on my YA lit list

4. Read at least one religious book per month (for those that need help, that's 4 books)

5. Start looking for crib, basenet, car-seat

6. Choose decorations for the nursery

7. Find apartment

Doing the Budget

There are few times in my life where a shot of vodka, a glass of JD or a bottle of wine seem like the only solutions to a problem. But once a month, I find that I desire to get totally wasted in the middle of the afternoon. That's the dreaded day BUDGET DAY!

Weston and I didn't use to do a budget, but after a few problems with our bank accounts, we decided a budget might be a good idea. So, I got everything together, our bills, the budget sheet, receipts, a note book and a calculator. Sitting down with Weston to do the budget took a few days of 'oh, we should do the budget today' before it finally happened.

But my good heavens, are you kidding me? I hate doing the budget. All it does is show you that you really have no money after paying the bills. A total reality check of lack to money. AHH! I think about the people I know that are starting out and have really great jobs and make more then enough for the two of them. How do they do it? It would be nice to not have to worry constantly about money, but that's the way of life, isn't it?

A baby, a baby, we're going to have a baby!!

I'm going to cut to the good parts, the parts that people actually want to hear. Not the months of morning sickness and not being able to move. The fun bits, like when I first felt the baby move and when we found out the sex. Those are the fun bits!!

I decided early on in my pregnancy that I wanted to try and do yoga to help loosen things up. So, after saying I would do it for almost three months, I finally did it at 17 weeks. The yoga video was horrible, jumping positions, not enough time between, frustrating music and explanations, so needless to say I stopped doing it halfway through. I joined Weston in the computer room and sat for a little while when I felt something. It was the same something I had felt during the yoga video. I had brushed off the feeling during yoga, but happening again, I couldn't. It was like a slight brush, slight pop inside my tummy. Weston was on the phone, and I motioned to him, "I think I just felt the baby!" He got this crazy excited look in his eyes and started to fumble with the phone. So cute!

After that first experience, I felt the little man move around more and more every day. Now it's a very common experience for me to feel his little pops and wiggles. Its such a reassuring feeling to know he's in there moving around.

Feeling my little boy, knowing he's in there, waiting to come out is crazy to me.